Viceroy of Kenya (VoK) Crew

The Power of the Airbrush

2008-11-13T02:35:00.000-08:00

The cover for Whitney Houston's new album is out. I would bet my left nut that some graphic designer spent the entire week Airbrushing the beejezus out of Whitney's photo (in PVC?? Better not light up that doobie while wearing that thing!)

I would also be willing to bet the other nut that they straight up Photoshopped Tina Turner's legs onto this photo too...

I can't help but wonder if this album will be any good. Thoughts, anyone?

Education kitu gani?

2008-07-22T05:19:00.000-07:00

This post was inspired from a very sincere outlook on school unrest in Kenya characterized by over ten riots and numerous closures - in one weekend! Published on behalf of My-Key.

Am fucking tired and disgusted with what is happening in our schools. Whatever happened to discipline? What is the problem – parenting or the system?

I remember when we was growing up,the lectures we used to get of the repurcussions of fucking up in school was incentive enough to keep us reading. I remember it was worth it to read – things were tough. We had more subjects to study, and we didn’t have any calculators to use – we had to think.Weevils were a delicacy – fuck St G for rioting ati the food is bad.

These new generation of kids have no log books & have cell phones. Parents don’t want their kidz touched because it will ‘affect their confidence in future’ – so white and gay. The government has made it worse by making education free - with all due respect,education is key and its unfortunate that some people are not able to afford it,yet kidz deserve to be educated – but imagine if shindes were free – what would be the value? And then guys - lets add more to the flip side. You make it free,fill classrooms,pay teachers crap,remove corporal punishment – wtf do you expect to happen? Teachers don’t wanna teach, kidz think the world owes them something(fuck you!) and the list goes on and on…….

My suggestions:

All students in 3^rd and 4^th who were involved in the riots should be suspended for two years before they are allowed to sit KCSE. All their names will be circulated to all high schools
Corporal punishment should be reinstated and made legal
Cellphones should be banned in all schools. We never had cellphones for ‘my folks to check if am ok’ - we had God,our teachers and ourselves, This is the shit they are using to coordinate the ‘mass action’. This goes for ipods and all the silly gizmos they use
The number of subjects should be increased – these guys are idle
The governement should not contribute to the anxiety of students by politicizing education – see KCSE results for 2007 for more details
The cut off point for public and private universities should be raised – making it harder and making these kidz take life seriously

And we have to treat them like children – not adults. Who was that intelligent individual who came up with the idea of giving tois D.L’s and ID’s at 16?

Guys, please note that these are the first generation of the ‘free education’ system. Like Mutahi Ngunyi said, there is NOTHING for free….

…….from a very disgruntled Kenyan. Man, am happy I went through the tough life….

Maria Ofelia sez:

Hear! hear!!! Especially suggestion No. 1

How can students strike ati because exams are hard? boo effing hoo!!! Suspend a couple of those yobs and the rest will think twice before they decide to set their dorms a blaze!!!

Mgema sez:

Oh, you're not disgusted - I saw my alma mater - Dagoretti - prominently displayed on news last week after they started this whole round of strikes! That hurts and makes you sick to your stomach - you want to go there and tell all those kids they would all be reading over night if they knew what is good for them!! As you cane them.

Mr. Kamunge, one of Kenya's most respected and eminent educationists sat on one of the many 'commissions' to try and come up with suggestions for sorting unrests, and it sits in a polished office somewhere unopened! Part of similar 'get-togethers' have recommended miriad changes, some as radical as overhauling the education system as constituted, reducing subjects, training teachers on psychology, removing 'pre-mocks' and 'mock' exams, scraping the quota system, amongst others. Very soon, another piece of 'brilliant' suggestions will come up, but we all know our government's record with commissions.

Back to My-Key's gists: I do agree with some and others I see differently.

The two year ban - I agree totally!
Someone said when the corporal punishment was abolished, nothing was established as a punishment mechanism to replace it - I concur. That could have left a big vacuum where students have taken advantage. That said, they don't beat you in Strath, dunno bout Starehe (Migz -enlighten), Mso, Kianda, etc etc. Look at the products, both as institutions and students that come through their gates. That's not to mean there are no hardheads in those schools (My-Key, Samurai, Nduati, Tibo, we all see how bad it gets...), but THEY NEVER RIOTED, BURNT SCHOOL BUS, WENT TO BURN SAINTS WITH PETROL..
There should be a shoot-to-kill order if one is spotted with a cellphone is school.. don't even get me started on that one!
I think subjects should be relevant - then number can be asmany or little as possible, but relevant.
Increase the numbers of public Unis. That will definately reduce the hustle of cut-offs et al. I see very many guys going to private unis to do the same but weaker course that they could've done in Main, and some are not daft, just a tard unlucky. Others come from the wrong regions, so quota locks them out. From the number of colleges offering degree and dips from registered unis, you'll see where I'm coming from. Raising the cut-off might work as a ruse, but support the kids who would miss out on mainstream business courses but are gifted technically (Mgema, Wodu Wakiri, Kaz).
Depoliticizing education HAS TO STOP! PERIOD.
Invest cash in education - I'm sure if we had a refurendum on who's salo to ongeza, between a teacher's or an MP's; whether to vote-in the Speakers chase car for KShs. 650m orbuilt more classes; computerize schools and have e-learning or build the PM a digz for KShs 100m... the answer would be simple.

Teachers are a frustrated lot, and more than their salos, I don't think they are appreciated enuff. Guys bomoka a P1 teacher's salo on binge shopping in a few minutes - HOW CRAZY IS THAT?!!!!!! You leave me with your rogue kids and want me to WHAT?!! MOULD them? Ehe?!! If he can't vent on your kid by chapaing him, he sits back and waits for the 'world' to take it's course, and we can see the fruits..

That's my take - I was once a student, once a teenager, did a crap education system, is part of a failed experiment, and I can see without being in any commission, that we are doomed..there's no political will for any such changes, so this will just take a back-seat for now. Mark my words.

I end on controversy. How coincidental is it, that all these riots and unrests have taken place at the same EXACT time countrywide, and they all seem to have come just after the Headtechers' meeting in Mombasa about two weeks ago?

Why you must drink TODAY - And EVERY day!

2007-09-19T05:09:00.001-07:00

This came as a forward, and I know wisdom has to be shared, and to the fools, knowledge imparted! As a crew that strongly believes in the gift of the drink, we need to recruit more believers, as well as remind ourselves, and those amongst us with shaky faith, of our core values - DRINKING Viceroy!

"As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in Water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

AMEN!

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.

Bachelor's Saviour

2007-08-23T00:51:00.015-07:00

Just when it looked like all hope was lost for bachelors with no kitchen skills, some hardworking bachelor who can't cook (but can create machines for the same) came up with an invention tht will help the like of my-boy (last post)..... gone are the days when bachelors sleep hungry coz the mama(s) in their lives are not around! This - is - a revolution!

we shall not eat dry bread - tosti - anymore!

if we can figure out how to multi-task.......

Take yee this bread of life!

2007-08-18T02:33:00.000-07:00

A simple incident last night brought out some much needed humour on a cold. rainy friday night.... and reminded me how harsh bachelor life can be!

It all started out with an email, a sad one, about home-boy's guka's demise. As in norm, a (requiem mass) prayer had been arranged at one of the many halls some of our local churches
have. It was one of those fridays when you feel it's all gloom - maybe a symptomatic of the occasion...

We'd left the house at around six, headed to town via Museum Hill, and as (Hell only knows) it always happens that a little shower is recipe for madness on the roads. So while it took three minutes to Museum, it took twenty from there to St. Andrews, distance of exactly one Km! Of course, it didn't help that the boys in blue were 'directing' traffic traffic (that's a storo for another day)! I digress..

So we reach the church, where the dearly beloved (and bereaved) are gathered in a somber mood, going through the modalities of the day, and then the madam speaker announces (as she is closing the occasion) that there is a cup of tea... and there home-boy steps up! You see, he's just moved out, and cooking skills are BILA (actually, 'duru za kuaminika' very reliable word has it that he can't make chai to save his life) and you see we gat a problem! But ome-boy has it figured out... not to worry! So iko chai, na mgadi?!

Let's just say, he had to clean bread crumbs from his jacket on saturday morning.

Bummer!

2007-07-20T06:48:00.006-07:00

I hate that word, as most things of Uncle Sam's tribe!

Anyway, just wondering: If I say that what I've said was not a lie, is that (statement) a lie?

Kopi-Luwak : My take

2007-06-01T23:44:00.007-07:00

as uninformed as it is, this stuff sounds like a Sudanese last born. Ladies, like Ath I'm apologizing before... With Migz enjoying trappings from In-da-Asia, the mention of Chinese Tea reminded me of something. Isn't that like the disgusting coffee they're selling from some regurgitated coffee beans from some forest in-effing-not-in-the-map country?! WAIT -It's you-guessed-it; INDO-FUCKING-NASIA!! For the uneducated, the world’s rarest coffee bean gains its unique flavor by being passed through the gastro-intestinal tract of an Indonesian civet cat (attached) et al!! Sip that with pork and your intestines will never know how proper food ever tasted like - no wonder those smushins don't nona - the system's in shock from the day you were born!!!!

Bro, please watch out! You could come back with female genitalia (I prefer gonads), chuti complexion, slight accent....

Natural Mystic

2007-02-01T23:20:00.000-08:00

I don’t know many things, I don’t understand quite a lot of them. But I know I play a role in them, as they do in me. As my Management Information lecturer would say, you have no control over your immediate environment. You can’t define your personal space; there are too many factors in play for you to. The Karma if you may; you need it as much as it needs you... In the course of our lives, we meet and interact with many people who may or may not touch our lives.

I’ve lost a NICE colleague who’s interaction with my path has left me the richer...After more than a month in ICU, and two and a half in hosie, her journey’s ended. What really affects me is, I had a chance to pass by the hospital just a few hours before her demise, and something inside refused..it JUST REFUSED!! But with the twists that this life is, I was restless the entire evening - I had to induce sleep!! Only to wake up and get the sad news of passing.

And I’m left wondering, which would’ve hurt more; not going and her passing just a few later, or going and her passing a few later, and saying “I was just with her earlier?”.....

I celebrate life

RIP MNM

Bringing ViceroyBack...

2007-01-12T07:23:00.000-08:00

Last Sato evening: For the first time in a bit, all but one of the VoK crew were in the same space! Wot?!

After getting to Doni and navigating through what formerly used to be a Rhino Charge route, we finally got to Chi(ku)'s digz. Mad props to her, she who redefined the art of hosting. Some serious soul food was seriously ravaged by the Krew before the endless conversations embedded in partaking of the good stuff began.

The Mgema: Registering the highest GDP per Viceroy bottle (thats Greatest Drinking Pace for the unschooled). This was never gonna end prettily as was witnessed during our pitstop at Buffet Park later that night. One mutura and a sip of soup later, The Mgema proceeded to emblazon the entire carpark in "Mwaauuraaa" grafitti, interspersed in a colourful shade of Bile.

Mickey: As entertaining as always, "Retardinho" was at his best, proving to us that the Mr Nice "Kidali Po" takeu dance fits into any song - using a Matchbox 20 song to prove his point! For the mad entertainment in the ride to Buffet, not to mention renaming Mgema as "Huey Mwaura"..after the barfing sounds made while he was perfecting the art of Oral Food Ejaculation.

Nyakomaber: For bravely attempting to learn how to use the sheng expression "Uma Njaro" without grossly embarrasing herself in the hood or losing her street cred (ha!). 1/2 Viceroy to the person who can get a living sample of "Kashata" for her to sample. Methinks she needs something concrete to match the description of Kashata that was given to her - "a cakey sweet coconuty block...its like soap, only that its sweet, has lots of food colouring, tastes like coconut and you can't use it to take a bath".

Che and Chi(ku): For being great hosts, inviting us and providing copious amounts of homecooked dish and accompanying frothy and 40%+ drinks. Che-dizzl was at his very best behaviour...damn, how things change!

Samurai Ich: Being a witty bum who hogged 3/4 of the couch to provide commentary on anything and everything, and continously entertain us with mad lateral thinking...for navigating us to and from the said venue...did this guy do anything else?

Migz: Sinking to low depths of pain while watching the FA Cup game and seeing Liverpool receive a multi-orificial shagging at the hands (and other extensible body parts) of Arsenal. Madly bounced back, thanks to the quick miti-ni-dawa cures of one Dr. Che's quickly served dose of VAT 69 (we are not selling out, I just needed to taste the contents of this rather strange bottle that I last saw in my zak's liquor cabinet about 20 years ago!).

The Crew reminiscing on all those old, old TV advert jingles that were an integral parts of our lives growing up...not to mention those old crusty-ass Mexican telenovelas...."Luuucia Mendes and Andrrressss Garrccia...in....No One But Juu". Where all this useless info is stored in the memory seems to be the one place that hasnt been eroded by all those Vice shots.

K: Not being able to make it...mami, we missed you. Your fine should be ummm...3 fat (Samurai) fingers of the old Vice, swiftly followed by you singing The Powerpuff Girls theme song at KRaoke...in Mojo Jojo's voice...

Papa didn't roll no stones

2007-01-12T04:20:00.000-08:00

Am thinking babies...

Tiny bundles from a woman's womb that have grown ups talking gooey un-comprehensible jibberish.
Leaving the office early to play with. Hubby on sex-diet...those lil 'uns that make leave before the next rao - hakuna maziwa nyumbani. You fight with the Sacco officials every end year, trying to get that school fees loan, because in Dec you want to treat the family to coasto...lunch becomes an alien lingo...the GP's phone number is on speed dial...you have to constantly remind them the right hand to greet people with, '...hapana mom, vaa kwa hiyo mguu ingine!"..."si uambie auntie jina yako!"...."leo mlisoma nini shule?"...."daddy sina pesa ya kukununulia bike...".....et al et al

then they reach sixteeen, and they tell you you don't knnow anything ..."wewe daddy ni mshao!!"!!! "Mom, you don't love me!!" " I hate you!!!" this is my room,you CAN'T come in!!" "...I won't go to this school anymore!!"..blah blah blah

MURDER WAS THE CASE THAT THEY SERVED ME!

The Viceroy Krew Spirit

2006-07-17T12:52:00.000-07:00

This is posted oh behalf of Migz by The Samurai; do not be shocked by this blog's contents but share in the celebration of every experience. One morning, Migz sent out this email:
------------------------------------------------

And by the way, I am MAKRAPAPER !!!

My good boy, AK, was finally leaving Bonn last night to follow the American Dream - Green Card and all ! We went for a mbuhlite farewell drink at the Indochine Buddha Bar huku in Bonn...polite, very gay music, chilakalaxed atmosphere....pretty easy...until another Romanian boy of his checked in and declared war: forcing all subjects to make a choice between golden and silver tequila.

The next thing I remember was being in mduntunda called NachtShift....they have some contraband bottles of champagne they sell for 4 Euro on Wednesday nights....I was sipping bubbly all night straight from a boti..then one of my housemate...a fine Serbian wench...declares its her birthday..and her pieces of accompaniment have to suffer and kamata some of those shots for her as we sang a fake "Happy Birthday" for her..my boy Angey made us once sing "Neema njema kwako..." to the tune of "Happy birthday to you"...on some random jungu chics bday, ati thats a Kenyan bday song...Michael Ballacks!....back to the hanyee....lights fading out...woi!

Knew drinking straight from a fakechampagne bottle was a recipe for ndisaster....My alarm clock rings this morning....I hear it NUTHIN!!! Dreamtergrated, I think the cacophony is part and fuckin parcel of my dream (do you ever get those?)

Then one of my housemates boyfriends - a massive 4.6 called J...very cool and appreciates my rubbish sense of humour..wakes me up at 8.30..."bitch! you need to go to work, fool!"

Obey a 6-foot-something, 240 pound order...else you find yourself on the floor...they learn that in gay wrestling thing in high school...I didnt heed to the suggestion and found myself at least 10 feet from my bed...its like a samaki not being in water...gai fafa...that guy hip-tossed me from my snoozalishasness...makende ya fisi yeye...

Anyhowdeewhoo...had a mad day with my boss jana...im in London next week for a series of meetings that I have been suicidally thrown...kupenda kazi yangu, kiaaasiiiiiiii....oh! and my German visa expires kesho...im renewing it kesho and theres soooooo much drama...if I cheza, i can be doing an "vava" Ashok appearance kesho night.....but there should be no beef getting that...unless Murphy decides to pull a fast one on me...

Headache...I can remember the entire "Thriller" album playing last nite as I was pimping out....with my "mbumbly"..doing the MC Hammer dance...these Wednesday delinquency tendencies should be banned....break it down...oooooh oh oooh oh oooh oh oooh oh oh oh oh oh oh..stop...get hammered time...do they have words for this song at Qraoke? Mama Qraoke ebu tell us....

In the words of that retarded Meru walnut...or is it the Che Ngevara who said it....

I AM MAKRAPAPER !!!! DRUNKATIZED!

Shit! its Thursday!

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Shocking Father Ashok..4

2006-05-19T04:54:00.000-07:00

The Ich is shooting Perfection Pool.

I call the waiter to order a rao.

It lengas!

(How rude!!)

Waiter! We, boss! It lengas, walking away!

Am getting pissed so I go after it, shika the shoulder and it turns-it’s The Che-bila jumper..
DON WEAR WAITER CLOTHES IF YOU DON WANT TO SERVE Kubaf!

He’s annoyed.

I point at the mama with the big Mummeries-he buys her a drink…

The mellow voice of Kay-she croons her “Birthaday Melody”-dedicated to the man who helped it happen-The Ich. The Mgema joins as backup choreographer. The Che’s the cameraman. The Nyako’s feeling s’y today-no back up vocals. The Rungz is missed-she’s miming instead of singing with “The Rungz Boys Allstars Na Band”…

She calls me to sing Bob Marley’s No Woman No Cry-am afraid it might start raining again…

Shocking Father Ashok..3

2006-05-19T04:48:00.000-07:00

Meanwhile, Ching Chong on the far side decides he can sing Karaoke-we are AGHAST-Maybe he thinks the words of the song are those small Chinese prints giving credits to the guy who pirated the cd!!!

Noo, No Sir, Nat at all (put Jamekan accent here)
-he picks the index book to choose his “mukanda” (ref Kyuk Dictionary again)!!!!

And he takes the mic

-and I have to pick both The Che and The Nyakomaber from the floor-

“..am arr out of rove, am so rost without you, …"
I need my inhaler, running out of air fast! KICHEKO! Walalalala!!

Father Ashok is seating on teh floor behind me at the bar, head in hands, bellowing Gujarati and saying something like he should’ve just stuck in Delhi selling haberdashery (Look that one up)…..

I tell The Migz-it's too good not to share-he calls. We laugh, his phone ishas credit as he's asking The Che to sambaza crenyo..

We are not on Deutsche-German-Safaricom-Gadammit!

Shocking Father Ashok..2

2006-05-19T04:42:00.000-07:00

The Ich isn’t shooting perfection pool-yet..hajafika.

Kevin Mbugua’s taken the mic-don’t forget it’s karaoke night. Uko hugging the mic, not bothering with the screen prompter-he helped write the song. The WHOLE of Ashok’s has come to the Dj side… (Tevin Campbell kando, sauti yao! Ukimkuta akiongea na mama wakwako alone, Cholmondeley them!!).

Then, it starts raining-and you see, we are the counter!!! So we are looking at the windows-the nearest is some five metres off. The direction of ‘rain’ is from the windows facing the car park-at the edge of the pool tables..Haii! Nje actually hakuna mvua-we are FLABBERGASTED (look that one up)!!!

Then one by one we see it. Beer in one hand, bottle on the other! Beer gut hanging from above a protesting trao’s waistline. Rangi ya mandazi zimeungua. Machos are in that fixated-drugged-daze state.

The price-Bob Marley! Round the tables, she makes beeline for him..

She’s standing infront of him.

He chokes.

The Dj “zugurushas santuri” for him to recover –he’s the main attraction, he can’t be seen in bad light.

More rain..

He finishes-she’s grinning ear to ear. Her drool is fikaing the floor..I have NEVER in my twenty years seen a woman soo blantantly want to “thuguna” (refer Kyuk Dictionary) a man!!! WAAH!

Should I talk to him?

Yeah (prompts Kay)

Should I talk to him?

Yeah, she’s encouraged..

Should I talk to him? Kay, she’s a F*** Retard-Gadammit! Washananaye!!

She finally tucks (beer gut) it in, lifts her three chins and tucks the second too, and makes her way to him…

We’ve ordered for napkins-tumejaa mate..YUK!

He offers an excuse about catching a flight-and runs out of Father Ashok’s!!

Shocking Father Ashok..1

2006-05-19T04:20:00.000-07:00

2.56.23

Hi if you appreciate awesome acoustic music dnt want 2 miss out on being at Q’s 2nite. U heard him on radio n nw Kevin Mbugua n his guitar at 8pm n karaoke….
Reads the sms from Kay, sent just before you make plans for the jios…

Like on queue, sms’s are flying from The Che and The Nyakomaber, like they don’t know we’re employed. Who do you think oils the cogs and lines the politicians pockets more and jazas cholesterol in their arteries..

8.00 pm

The Mgema’s stuffing itself with some ug. and herbivore meat, trying to dash and meet Bob Marley before he’s redempted..

8.16 pm

Kevin Mbugua has sung 1 song (Def poetry) already, on 2nd one
Read The Che’s sms..
We are looking for parking -the whole street is jammed-Bob Marley’s either getting famous very fast, or Nairobians hate their digzes..I feel like shouting to no one in particular-Kwendeni nyumbani..
nipate parking!

8.23 pm

We enter, and The Che, Tii and The Kay are on the counter near the Dj. Hugs, luv…

The Che’s sweating in a reds sweater and we are wondering why not just remove the damn thing-kumbe he’s dressed in white shirt and black pants-Shock on him as the Father sends him to wait on guys..

There’s this number sitting on the counter, my nine o’clock. Lonely heart (it’s been campus night at Father Ashok’s on Thursdays-maybe she’s from campo)..Her glass is almost empty, soda flat-the waiter took the bottle of BITTER lemon ages. She has this longing inviting eyes that most suckers fall for-that buy-me-a-drink-then-we-can-talk look?! But more than that, it’s the ASSETS she carries.. Mummeries (mikamo) HIFI (stretch your arms as you read that bit)!!! And since she’s broke, when she’s dry, she chomoas (BIG ONE) one from the low neckline, wekeleas on the counter. The sight of nipple, and men send in droves..

That poor barman must’ve died from blueb***s…

'Oxymoronia' - The Country

2006-05-15T04:33:00.001-07:00

This post was inspired by an email that The Che sent out to The Crew early this morning. Surprisingly, they pay him for this as well :-)

Little did the chap know that this discussion would get such fiery, opinionated responses.

Read on. While at it, please leave your 2 cents in the comment bag.
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The Che sez:
Some of you may have had this discussion or read it, anyway here goes it happened to me this weekend.
I was having a discussion with someone in regards to pple contributing to the famine relief & this particular guy was saying he's not sympathetic to the appeals coz Kenya is a rich country. Curious The Che, asked why?

Sez The Guy "Nairobi is full of magnificent buildings, flashy cars & once he went for a holiday he didn't see any poor pple. After all that he spend a weekend in a luxurious hotel in Msa."

Curious, and frankly a little miffed, The Che responded, "Famine stricken pple in the country earn less than 1000 bob a month - if they earn anything at all - plus the harsh weather conditions."

His reply - Kenyan Mp's earn abt 600 k a month & were now getting hefty increaments in their travel expenses, so a govt which could afford that kind of money obviously needed nothing from him.

What could I say? (and he throws the debate on the floor of the Committee)

And on cue, clearly people's chests were full of burdens, and vitriol was poured...

The Ich responded:
In east and central Africa, Kenya is the only country building itself on its own tax collections. As in Kenya does not necessarily require aid... for roads (and other infrastructure) and FOR RELIEF.
Whoever you talked to was right. We have poor planning... zero foresight, we fix drainage problems in the rainy season and we fix drought problems when people are dying. We do not need aid. The Mps earn what they earn, the buildings are flashy, etc etc. KRA reports increased collections every year.

Poor planning tu!

The Rungz ongezad:
Its goes further than that...
The problem with Kenyans is that we are cowards, and claim to be ‘patient’....Politicians do all these stuff because they know that they can get away with it. To add to this, we vote like buffoons and will bring back the same idiots who have screwed us – the Kenyan electorate has the memory of a warthog.

As for chumes, we don’t need loans – I would be happy if IMF and the world bank could freeze aid for good. Countries like Korea grew through ‘Chama’ - an amount was deducted from the tax they paid and went to a country 'kitty' - simply put. Look at Korea now.

And another thing? The Mzee’s in this country have finished us. Yaani wamekula kupitia kipimo!

I will be very honest – come next elections, am not voting ANYONE above 45 – I would rather let that vote go to waste..

The Migz replied:
I agree with The Ich. Its just poor planning and even worse, we are sooo anally resistant to positive change and peg it on our "culture". Case in point? Planning is deemed as an expensive, tiring and time-consuming task, together with "I will pour diesel on you and burn you alive" statements like "There is no hurry in Africa".

How can we lack the intelligence (ooooxymoron number 1) to not know that we are going to suffer a severe drought? Surely we are equipped to forecast weather and shit, I am sure we can tell that the sun is gonna be out all day and night (ooooxymoron number 2) and the only water there will be is that salty ick that pores out of our skin in the mad heat.

We need to shift how we culturally think...we need to have foresight and we need to plan. Someone was telling me that Kenyans dont do those jungu things like holidays, sijui trekking across Africa because we have too many financial burdens and dependencies to service with our rather shit-all salaries. Me? I disagree with that. That is a bunch of hairy, Angora goat bollocks. We just dont plan. It stems from the top to the bottom. A building on River Road collapses, we have no Rescue Units and have to wail and cry for Israelis to kuja. And then the Prez says that we will buy the equipment the Israelis used, probably including the moffs. Stupid retard (ooooxymoron number 3). Some planning and we would have been on top of this easily.

The Che, tell your friend he is right and we are a country that is fixated on trivial, selfish interests that we forget to plan and forecast things for the betterment of this country. Tell him that this perspective that you are offering him is not focussed on MPs making 600K, but more on a wholesome, inherent problem that ails our nation like a never-healing boil on a diab. Tell him that, until we are all incapacitated to think, work, breathe and generically function as humans, we dont need aid at all. Tell him that unless we understand what the words "contingency planning" mean, then we deserve to sit in Kenya and wallow in own pile of self-generated excrement and not involve the world in solving our own self-sought problems.

On another note, Kenyans need to stop whining and bitching about MPs earning 600K. It may be excessive for them to award themselves that salo (considering the greedy lazy louts that they are). But before we bay for their blood, let us look at how much we pay our mboches, as an example. If we are still paying them a monthly salo than what we are capable of bondaing in pints over one weekend (just as a random metric), then we need to shutthefuckup! Gaaadamit!

The Mgema semad:
First, we get the leaders we deserve (write that!).

Second, The Migz is right-your tread on others and complain when you are troden on (rattlesnakes n all..)! It's either you treat others well (and expect mother nature to keep tabs and resiprocate), or realise its Man EAT Man-Survial for the fittest (A drink for Darwin Gaddammit-the didn't shave his pubics for looong just figurin simple stuff!I digress),and get yur own!!!

On the aspect of planning, I concur 50-50...we have policy papers that would make Nairobi a seaside town, complete with white sandy beaches and Jamaicans-Yeah Man!! It's the execution that's lacking-more so political good will...example-top of my head:
-Commission of inquiry to JM's murder, 1975! Never seen the light of day.
-Nairobi's Northern/Southern By passes-policy frameworks of 1976...just a few houses brought down
THIRTY years later!
-Nairobi's drainage-1946(!!!) infrastracture-they were planning for 350-400 k pple max!
-Rural elecrification..
-Water for all by 2000.....you get my point..

EXECUTION!!
(unfortunately, we perfected the wrong one [execution ie]-ask General Baimungi, Pinto, Mboya, JM, Mcenzie, Karumba, Ouko, Mbai, Tupac)

VIJANAA TUGUTUKE-that's the rallying cry!

Sexual Offenses Bill

2006-04-28T00:18:00.000-07:00

This has to be the most debated and all encompassing (in terms of Kenyan MPs attending Parliament) bill since the constitutional debate. Reasons for this vary, from accusations of ‘imposing western ideologies’ (this we’ll hear till Kingdom come), to ‘lack of wholesome consultation’ by the movers of the bill.

Just a poser:
Why is it, that the victims of sexual violence, almost always end up victimised?

Easter Special! 2006 Edition Part 2

2006-04-18T01:14:00.000-07:00

Sunday 16th,
The Mgemas-The ever Lovely Nyakomaber and Mgema are just chilling. After watching almost the entire Prison Break season one on Saturday, Sunday was looking like a quiet day..and thus is started.

But knowing how guys rarely get together and have ‘a lot of things to do’ when it comes to jus getting together, The Mgemas wanted guys to hang out in their digz (Gulliver tuna understand ) because this hasn’t happened since they got their Penthouse (with a view, but do I say?!) It seemed like the perfect opportunity..(Afterall My-key hatakagi tujue kwake-msee, we u-ishi?)

Happy easter to u! Hangin out in the digz tu..thinkin of havin you guys for drink Kesho.. Iko Mtembezi…lakini hata leo mnaweza come na take away!, read the sms to Che.

Hi dear! Happy easter, I can see am not the only one workin this wknd! Mpango ya Kesho? U’re welcome for byob at our hse..from sunrise till tues morn!!, read the one to K.

Come wit newspaper too, read the one to Kababy (aka Wangariwa)..

The My-key, The Ich were given theirs verbally-but alas, almost everyone was busy! Someone
Decided to do the rest of the world a BIG FAVOR and return The Rungz to the National Park, where he belongs!! The Ich was joboing in the digz..so it would come "from seven".

Fast-forwarded- late afte>>Nyakomaber and Mgema are catchin a movie, enjoyin their space, love, time each other’s company…Mtembezi, when Mgema’s phone rings! The Matriach…Thirty mins later, Mgema and Monsieur Mundu Witu are having a quick one in the locals as the proceed back to the Mgemas Penthouse..with a view (blah blah blah). Sijui Che alikuwa ameamkia wapi, nita-explain..

We reached the digollos to find Nyakomaber ready for the rave (at seven thirty-well’ to be fair she was bo-aad), but after kidogo storos wit Mundu Witu, she told the cab guy to take a hike. Shortly, a knock- It’s Ngash! Now this guy has been around all weekend mbaka it feels like he live here-bana hata time yangu na Nyako…!! More storos, Mundu Witu is on that Mtembezi EXCITEDLY-Walalala! It reminded me of a punda in Samburu seeing the floods from MT Kenya after that looong drought…I’m thinking they put that nozzle on the botties to slow down guys with such tabias..

This guy never let’s you down-he proceeds to do only what he can-unleash ‘a ka-new one’ on the Krew EVERY time you hook up!! First, you’re given her cv, folio, shoe size, perfume, auntie’s-sisters-cousin’s kid’s info (by the time she arrives, you feel like she’s part of the Krew), then her tastes blah blah blah.. So now this one (so the joke goes) was going to fika the Mgemas' Penthouse, and ask The Che to take her to a doggolos with seats…..!

Meanwhile it's seven-ICH, The Ich is supposed to bring dish-time’s a-flyin’, guys are hungry, Mtembezi getting sweeter, but also ishain. So I holla at my peeps “ Sup dawg- You still coming?”

He gives the phone to Nderitu!!

He asks for incentive to kuja!

They start complaining of rain (it wasn’t even drizzlin!!), trip to atm, buyin the food, getting a loose one, blah blah blah…what’s a brother to do when you get such a loud hint? I BANGED the phone on him and deleted the conversation!

Back at the ranch:
The Che hollas at it’s mamtuse- good things come in small packages…and gives me the phone “Just hold on, talk to someone who can give you directions..” She’s coming from Kangundo!! So here we are, frantically thinking of where to get furniture in the middle of the night-especially considerin I don’t have The Ich’s number anymore!!!
Half an hr later, she calls from the roundabout, and I direct her to the hse! (Kama mbaya mbaya-The Che will seat on a cushion and beba her! Ama waende Galileo’s……..)
Huko welcoming party, red carpet, brollies, The Che's even chomoad incense for the house-Walalala-the extent men will go to impress mamas!

She turns out to be an easy goin one! Che, get a job as a movie buff-those things of exaggeratin n stuff would come in handy!! To the extent of offering to take The Nyakomaber to buy kukus and fries… and some loose ones.Che, huyo weka!

It’s half midnight, guys on the carpet katikaing Saoulo, The Ng’ash dancing rumba/mugithi, too much noise for the neighbors! We decide an hr at Q’s in order.

But alas! Mundu Witu’s ‘Pierre Cardin” thogithis (socks) are soaked wet! Am wondering ala?! He asks for a ka-pair of my cottons..while he tukanas me about how many pairs I should give in exchange (fery demanding beggar, this is!!). And The Mgema sees an opprtunity-so I stokes the fire-kama viatu na socks ni designer, mbona zinaingiza maji? Kwa ufupi, we left the house thirty minutes later……….

Gari mbili- Reyes bila wiper, Ng’ash bila lights-thank God ubabini iko streetlights!!

Q’s…
Wasee msoto, wamewaka kiasi- Nyako na Mgema wanakunywa maji..The rest on a brew. The Che’s mama is on stool, Monsieur amekalia edge ya stool. Then he kulas that Mundu Witu pose-a variation of the fetal position he and Nyako perfected back in the days-only this one he does standing!

Then he starts ‘pouring’ from the seat-understand this picture:
Mamasita is SHORT- her feet on that stool fika Che’s WAIST-and they are dangling on the side!! So now she’s holding him from falling (and possibly killin that last neuron left in lieu of oblongata…) and it’s HILARIOUS!

We are dying, guys have stopped shooting pool, dj has stopped the music…
“Che!” , I holla
“*wathethytehteehj” (*that jibberish only he knows!)
“Che!”
“wathethytehteehj” (Kicheko zaidi)

Then with the grace of a ballet dancer, he starts katikain to the music!! Eyes shut!
We all clap-all of Q’s-
this is an ad!!
Am thinking, bad thing Budweiser, Heineken, Guinness, Malta, Bamboocha Marketing Managers were not here!!! This would have won in the APA Awards...

Half one-we are nodding sana-I make sure the Kids are ok, we make our exit. We are well into Monday-thanks God it’s a holiday!! I can’t wait for Tuesday to blog..the rest of the Krew need to know.

One thing bothering my curiosity-I just wonder how she woke him to get out of the cab....

Easter Special! 2006 Edition

2006-04-17T23:04:00.000-07:00

Saturday 15th,
The Mgema has to go to the office (Note, not to work). It fikas the office at half eight and there’s a buzz - two mamas are getting married on that day (whoever gets married on Valentines, X-si, Easter?!!), and you know women and weddings-but I digress. Full of brokenness and not in a particularly flowery mood, weddings are out of day’s schedule…

10.37 am
Can’t stay in this place..body’s on relax mode cruise-control (RM CC), pockets in brokenness-mode FULL-in-control (BM FIC), throat on thirst mode Can’t-wait-to-hammer-that-Mtembezi kunyota control (TM @#$$%#$@!! KM) and dick in…
-my pants!

So my peoples come up with an idea; inhaler in one hand, painkillers on the other, they make the first hint to the workmates- guys, am not feeling well…ten minutes later, n we are on the phone with the ever lovely Nyakomaber, aka Maria Ofelia (Voice of the People). Hallo, hallo…hallo hallo (she understands-private joke)…and rendezvous is arranged for Sarit..

Twenty mins later, The Mgema’s walking in Sarit, Sweets is window shopping with her bro and nephew.. we head for the parking downstairs, and this is where the drama begins.

ASIDE: See, anyone who knows The Mgema knows it doesn’t-pull-punches, tells-it-as-is apologizes-on-a need-to-basis, moves-on with-the-shit-after-knocking-a-neat-Viceroy kinda peeps. It judges on basis of “human”, not uniform, cadre, creed, race, blah blah blah.. ask the traffic cop it told to tuck in his shirt who saluted the reprimand..

Relevance? Refer below…

Sweets has parked the Mgema-mobile, aka Reyes, next to an as-ancient Datsun 120Y two door salon, who’s two lady occupants were getting back to the car from shopping just as we were.. And after loading the car, one proceeds t push the trolley just on the road and walk back to the mo-ats!

And my peeps’ jus standin there in shock thinkin’
“OH NO YOU DIDN’T!!!”
And immediately tells the lady,
“get that off the road!”,
to which she timidly responds,
“but he (watchman, standing eight metres away) will get it.”
And I responds,
“that’s NOT his work!! GET IT OFF THE ROAD!”

And she shame-facedly pushes the trolley back to the side walk and hurriedly gets back to the car.

She’s, understandably, very embarrassed by the whole thing, crowd of onlookers and amused watchie notwithstanding…but worst, IT was a fully frocked NUN!!

Tsk, tsk! This Mgema..I think he just couldn’t wait to get digz to that Mtembezi (Johnny Walker….

BumRoll Calls

2006-04-06T14:57:00.000-07:00

The VoK has a mailing list which we use to stay in touch with each other. We are all young professionals, some of us being even practitioners of the globetrotting setup...so it's a fairly convenient way to send a quick laugh around to just keep us sane. To ensure we keep hope alive through laughter, even as we take shit from The Man as we fatten his pockets at the expense of our meagre pittances whose 2 digits are only worth the butchery paper they end up printed on.

Talking about shit...Wacha this week we get the funniest email from Mgema wa Viceroy. Mgema can only be described as an artistic, confident Kenyan whose bursts of randomness and overzealous support for Arsenal are only matched by his undying love for Nyakomaber, the hypotenuse of his triangular heart.

Mgema works in the hospitality industry and this week, management at his jobo decided...fuck hospitality, these employees have to suffer for the sake of the budget...cut costs and corners, and of course recycled paper at any cost. Here are excerpts of the communique for an insight of what transpired:

On 4/3/06, Mgema wa Viceroy wrote:
Sweetie, please buy for me a bib-
Can you guys imagine-they're giving everyone his/her own roll of tissue in the office?!!
At this rate, kesho we'll require hankies on our lapels and name tags with our mommies' phone numbers!!!!!!!!

Yaani these guys are being unlash for TP in rations! Kila mtu na yake! This reminds me soooo much of waaay back in the day in an unnamed nursery school (Ms K, tulikuwa pamoja!) where you had your own TP and safeguarded it like a hockey goalie guards his balls with those "nyeh pads". One miscalculation and shit flies everywhere.

To stoke the proverbial moto, Mgema then in a sonnet dedicated to his love, declares that:

On 4/4/06, Mgema wa Viceroy wrote:
Not funny-seriouly-I had runny-tummy jana!! Walalala! I finished someone's ration before early afte!! At least kulinyesha; kama mbaya na-dunk pale kwa compound halafu nioshe na leaves.....

Some scenarios to paint (ah! not like that!)
- Mgema desperately needs to take the dump of his life...the only mama in the office who might have TP is this fly thing who has always had a crush for him. He has a feeling that ombaring TP and then proceeding to the toi and riproaringly painting the "Armitage Shanks" ceramic bowl brown and green (skumas) and yellow (the mysterious maize seed that shows up and you have no recollection when you last dished "corn" from the barabara) wont up his ante with this mama...what to do, what to do.....

- The boss kujas to Mgema to omba TP. Things have gone awry after a cheap dry fry in a kiosk somewhere in Westlands. As luck would have it, its Mgemas last roll and there is this shell session (say that really fast!) he has been postponing across the whole day, at the expense of guys in his corner of the office enduring odiferous exertions of erratic recto-colonic activities - ah sawa, mishutos if you insist - all day...ata fanya aje, watazamaji?

- The boss notices that the previous days newspapers have been going missing rather mysteriously. All fingers have pointed to Mgema who, despite denying having anything to do with any Houdini-like acts, has inexplicable and massive papercuts on his knuckles. And oh, there have been reports of noises (in conjunction to the raucus that accompanies being in the loo) similar to paper being repeatedly rubbed against either in a bid to soften it to Sta Soft meets Velvex status or to start a fire. Or both. Take your pick.

Peeps just need to get jobos in greater-than-cheapskate establishments, me thoughts......

Kay's Birthday

2006-03-23T02:51:00.000-08:00

Pple have been waiting for this like Githongo tapes.

Ilikuwa Friday nite, I was in Qs shooting perfection pool when I got a call from Mgema asking that peeps gather at the IG (Ich Gardens) for Kays things. I thought he meant all 70 peeps, I saw myself washing up the house on Sunday morning....etc etc but he assured me that its was just the Krew. I dunno when/how I went home

Sato I bummed all day till jioz when the Krew started arriving and buying secret cakes etc etc. Actually Kay showed up in the cocks (Sato morning bana!), the Tibo (for those who know him), then Ndeithi...ai .. let a brotha sleep..then i bummed... then the secret cakes... I had to distract Kay as the cake buyers took their sweet time.

Fast forward >> : The house is full of alcoholics who support each other in their alcoholicfullness. Kila Krew member made it, well except for Gulliver the one huko Ujeremani. Attached to elegant Miss Irene was a pitiful third-rate, human-waste-of-skin named Rungz (for blog purposes). He immediately found it necessary to entertain with that "Ilikuwa Disemba, kumi na mbili, Kay alikuwa amepewa shoti mbili.... .... wooooi, wooooooooi...wooooi tunataka ...." etc etc.

We drank and caught up on storos, etc etc...till cake time. Nyakomaber found 3 huge candles and planted them into the cake geometriclly aligning them with planet Zargon and its three suns. She lit them as I did a quick Karaoke search for Kay. We found 2 songs: "Cover Girl by NKOTB" and a very old classic "Top of the World by The Carpenters". Nakwambia b4 cake-cutting Kay belted out these wimbos with mob energy.. like an American Idol audition... Now.. this is where all the others come in... The Rungz decided to play backup guitar Meru-style, Irene and Nyakomaber deep-seated harvest song celebration genes woke up and overcame them and they involuntarily found themselves shaking it and sharing the remote-mic (jijazie) with Kay, all of em guessing lyrics and dancing out of ethnic instinct. Rungz did the full "Lean Mback"...yaani.."my n$$gaz dont dance they just hold up a guitar and...do the Meru-strum", face devoid of emotion.

The hero of the day was Che. With paparazzi and Githongo tendancies, Mundu Witu materialized a fantastic gadget from thin air and proceeded to digitally capture this festive moment into 3 different videos. The Samurai furthered this capture by bluetoothing from the magical Che gadget to his laptop. And therein, these Kenyans' activities were preserved for posterity.

This blog is undeserving of posting of the videos. Best that will be done is... each Krew member will receive the video by mail. What you choose to do from there is entirely up to the reserves of brandy left in the space between the left and right brain.

Samurai Ich out

Mundu Witu!!!

2006-03-22T00:15:00.000-08:00

Mundu witu reappeared again this week courtesy of some loose coloured drink from the scotish highlands.....for once divine intervention was needed! walalala

Wallaps

2006-03-21T00:25:00.000-08:00

Wakenya Mko?

Test Post

2006-03-16T02:16:00.000-08:00

Testing the onset of insanity unleashed....