The Ich is shooting Perfection Pool.
I call the waiter to order a rao.
It lengas!
(How rude!!)
Waiter! We, boss! It lengas, walking away!
Am getting pissed so I go after it, shika the shoulder and it turns-it’s The Che-bila jumper..
DON WEAR WAITER CLOTHES IF YOU DON WANT TO SERVE Kubaf!
He’s annoyed.
I point at the mama with the big Mummeries-he buys her a drink…
The mellow voice of Kay-she croons her “Birthaday Melody”-dedicated to the man who helped it happen-The Ich. The Mgema joins as backup choreographer. The Che’s the cameraman. The Nyako’s feeling s’y today-no back up vocals. The Rungz is missed-she’s miming instead of singing with “The Rungz Boys Allstars Na Band”…
She calls me to sing Bob Marley’s No Woman No Cry-am afraid it might start raining again…
Friday, May 19, 2006
Shocking Father Ashok..3
Meanwhile, Ching Chong on the far side decides he can sing Karaoke-we are AGHAST-Maybe he thinks the words of the song are those small Chinese prints giving credits to the guy who pirated the cd!!!
Noo, No Sir, Nat at all (put Jamekan accent here)
-he picks the index book to choose his “mukanda” (ref Kyuk Dictionary again)!!!!
And he takes the mic
-and I have to pick both The Che and The Nyakomaber from the floor-
“..am arr out of rove, am so rost without you, …"
I need my inhaler, running out of air fast! KICHEKO! Walalalala!!
Father Ashok is seating on teh floor behind me at the bar, head in hands, bellowing Gujarati and saying something like he should’ve just stuck in Delhi selling haberdashery (Look that one up)…..
Noo, No Sir, Nat at all (put Jamekan accent here)
-he picks the index book to choose his “mukanda” (ref Kyuk Dictionary again)!!!!
And he takes the mic
-and I have to pick both The Che and The Nyakomaber from the floor-
“..am arr out of rove, am so rost without you, …"
I need my inhaler, running out of air fast! KICHEKO! Walalalala!!
Father Ashok is seating on teh floor behind me at the bar, head in hands, bellowing Gujarati and saying something like he should’ve just stuck in Delhi selling haberdashery (Look that one up)…..
I tell The Migz-it's too good not to share-he calls. We laugh, his phone ishas credit as he's asking The Che to sambaza crenyo..
We are not on Deutsche-German-Safaricom-Gadammit!
Shocking Father Ashok..2
The Ich isn’t shooting perfection pool-yet..hajafika.
Kevin Mbugua’s taken the mic-don’t forget it’s karaoke night. Uko hugging the mic, not bothering with the screen prompter-he helped write the song. The WHOLE of Ashok’s has come to the Dj side… (Tevin Campbell kando, sauti yao! Ukimkuta akiongea na mama wakwako alone, Cholmondeley them!!).
Then, it starts raining-and you see, we are the counter!!! So we are looking at the windows-the nearest is some five metres off. The direction of ‘rain’ is from the windows facing the car park-at the edge of the pool tables..Haii! Nje actually hakuna mvua-we are FLABBERGASTED (look that one up)!!!
Then one by one we see it. Beer in one hand, bottle on the other! Beer gut hanging from above a protesting trao’s waistline. Rangi ya mandazi zimeungua. Machos are in that fixated-drugged-daze state.
The price-Bob Marley! Round the tables, she makes beeline for him..
She’s standing infront of him.
He chokes.
The Dj “zugurushas santuri” for him to recover –he’s the main attraction, he can’t be seen in bad light.
More rain..
He finishes-she’s grinning ear to ear. Her drool is fikaing the floor..I have NEVER in my twenty years seen a woman soo blantantly want to “thuguna” (refer Kyuk Dictionary) a man!!! WAAH!
Should I talk to him?
Yeah (prompts Kay)
Should I talk to him?
Yeah, she’s encouraged..
Should I talk to him? Kay, she’s a F*** Retard-Gadammit! Washananaye!!
She finally tucks (beer gut) it in, lifts her three chins and tucks the second too, and makes her way to him…
We’ve ordered for napkins-tumejaa mate..YUK!
He offers an excuse about catching a flight-and runs out of Father Ashok’s!!
Kevin Mbugua’s taken the mic-don’t forget it’s karaoke night. Uko hugging the mic, not bothering with the screen prompter-he helped write the song. The WHOLE of Ashok’s has come to the Dj side… (Tevin Campbell kando, sauti yao! Ukimkuta akiongea na mama wakwako alone, Cholmondeley them!!).
Then, it starts raining-and you see, we are the counter!!! So we are looking at the windows-the nearest is some five metres off. The direction of ‘rain’ is from the windows facing the car park-at the edge of the pool tables..Haii! Nje actually hakuna mvua-we are FLABBERGASTED (look that one up)!!!
Then one by one we see it. Beer in one hand, bottle on the other! Beer gut hanging from above a protesting trao’s waistline. Rangi ya mandazi zimeungua. Machos are in that fixated-drugged-daze state.
The price-Bob Marley! Round the tables, she makes beeline for him..
She’s standing infront of him.
He chokes.
The Dj “zugurushas santuri” for him to recover –he’s the main attraction, he can’t be seen in bad light.
More rain..
He finishes-she’s grinning ear to ear. Her drool is fikaing the floor..I have NEVER in my twenty years seen a woman soo blantantly want to “thuguna” (refer Kyuk Dictionary) a man!!! WAAH!
Should I talk to him?
Yeah (prompts Kay)
Should I talk to him?
Yeah, she’s encouraged..
Should I talk to him? Kay, she’s a F*** Retard-Gadammit! Washananaye!!
She finally tucks (beer gut) it in, lifts her three chins and tucks the second too, and makes her way to him…
We’ve ordered for napkins-tumejaa mate..YUK!
He offers an excuse about catching a flight-and runs out of Father Ashok’s!!
Shocking Father Ashok..1
2.56.23
Hi if you appreciate awesome acoustic music dnt want 2 miss out on being at Q’s 2nite. U heard him on radio n nw Kevin Mbugua n his guitar at 8pm n karaoke….
Reads the sms from Kay, sent just before you make plans for the jios…
Like on queue, sms’s are flying from The Che and The Nyakomaber, like they don’t know we’re employed. Who do you think oils the cogs and lines the politicians pockets more and jazas cholesterol in their arteries..
8.00 pm
The Mgema’s stuffing itself with some ug. and herbivore meat, trying to dash and meet Bob Marley before he’s redempted..
8.16 pm
Kevin Mbugua has sung 1 song (Def poetry) already, on 2nd one
Read The Che’s sms..
We are looking for parking -the whole street is jammed-Bob Marley’s either getting famous very fast, or Nairobians hate their digzes..I feel like shouting to no one in particular-Kwendeni nyumbani..
nipate parking!
8.23 pm
We enter, and The Che, Tii and The Kay are on the counter near the Dj. Hugs, luv…
The Che’s sweating in a reds sweater and we are wondering why not just remove the damn thing-kumbe he’s dressed in white shirt and black pants-Shock on him as the Father sends him to wait on guys..
There’s this number sitting on the counter, my nine o’clock. Lonely heart (it’s been campus night at Father Ashok’s on Thursdays-maybe she’s from campo)..Her glass is almost empty, soda flat-the waiter took the bottle of BITTER lemon ages. She has this longing inviting eyes that most suckers fall for-that buy-me-a-drink-then-we-can-talk look?! But more than that, it’s the ASSETS she carries.. Mummeries (mikamo) HIFI (stretch your arms as you read that bit)!!! And since she’s broke, when she’s dry, she chomoas (BIG ONE) one from the low neckline, wekeleas on the counter. The sight of nipple, and men send in droves..
That poor barman must’ve died from blueb***s…
Hi if you appreciate awesome acoustic music dnt want 2 miss out on being at Q’s 2nite. U heard him on radio n nw Kevin Mbugua n his guitar at 8pm n karaoke….
Reads the sms from Kay, sent just before you make plans for the jios…
Like on queue, sms’s are flying from The Che and The Nyakomaber, like they don’t know we’re employed. Who do you think oils the cogs and lines the politicians pockets more and jazas cholesterol in their arteries..
8.00 pm
The Mgema’s stuffing itself with some ug. and herbivore meat, trying to dash and meet Bob Marley before he’s redempted..
8.16 pm
Kevin Mbugua has sung 1 song (Def poetry) already, on 2nd one
Read The Che’s sms..
We are looking for parking -the whole street is jammed-Bob Marley’s either getting famous very fast, or Nairobians hate their digzes..I feel like shouting to no one in particular-Kwendeni nyumbani..
nipate parking!
8.23 pm
We enter, and The Che, Tii and The Kay are on the counter near the Dj. Hugs, luv…
The Che’s sweating in a reds sweater and we are wondering why not just remove the damn thing-kumbe he’s dressed in white shirt and black pants-Shock on him as the Father sends him to wait on guys..
There’s this number sitting on the counter, my nine o’clock. Lonely heart (it’s been campus night at Father Ashok’s on Thursdays-maybe she’s from campo)..Her glass is almost empty, soda flat-the waiter took the bottle of BITTER lemon ages. She has this longing inviting eyes that most suckers fall for-that buy-me-a-drink-then-we-can-talk look?! But more than that, it’s the ASSETS she carries.. Mummeries (mikamo) HIFI (stretch your arms as you read that bit)!!! And since she’s broke, when she’s dry, she chomoas (BIG ONE) one from the low neckline, wekeleas on the counter. The sight of nipple, and men send in droves..
That poor barman must’ve died from blueb***s…
Monday, May 15, 2006
'Oxymoronia' - The Country
This post was inspired by an email that The Che sent out to The Crew early this morning. Surprisingly, they pay him for this as well :-)
Little did the chap know that this discussion would get such fiery, opinionated responses.
Read on. While at it, please leave your 2 cents in the comment bag.
-----------------------------------------------
The Che sez:
Some of you may have had this discussion or read it, anyway here goes it happened to me this weekend.
I was having a discussion with someone in regards to pple contributing to the famine relief & this particular guy was saying he's not sympathetic to the appeals coz Kenya is a rich country. Curious The Che, asked why?
Sez The Guy "Nairobi is full of magnificent buildings, flashy cars & once he went for a holiday he didn't see any poor pple. After all that he spend a weekend in a luxurious hotel in Msa."
Curious, and frankly a little miffed, The Che responded, "Famine stricken pple in the country earn less than 1000 bob a month - if they earn anything at all - plus the harsh weather conditions."
His reply - Kenyan Mp's earn abt 600 k a month & were now getting hefty increaments in their travel expenses, so a govt which could afford that kind of money obviously needed nothing from him.
What could I say? (and he throws the debate on the floor of the Committee)
And on cue, clearly people's chests were full of burdens, and vitriol was poured...
The Ich responded:
In east and central Africa, Kenya is the only country building itself on its own tax collections. As in Kenya does not necessarily require aid... for roads (and other infrastructure) and FOR RELIEF.
Whoever you talked to was right. We have poor planning... zero foresight, we fix drainage problems in the rainy season and we fix drought problems when people are dying. We do not need aid. The Mps earn what they earn, the buildings are flashy, etc etc. KRA reports increased collections every year.
Poor planning tu!
The Rungz ongezad:
Its goes further than that...
The problem with Kenyans is that we are cowards, and claim to be ‘patient’....Politicians do all these stuff because they know that they can get away with it. To add to this, we vote like buffoons and will bring back the same idiots who have screwed us – the Kenyan electorate has the memory of a warthog.
As for chumes, we don’t need loans – I would be happy if IMF and the world bank could freeze aid for good. Countries like Korea grew through ‘Chama’ - an amount was deducted from the tax they paid and went to a country 'kitty' - simply put. Look at Korea now.
And another thing? The Mzee’s in this country have finished us. Yaani wamekula kupitia kipimo!
I will be very honest – come next elections, am not voting ANYONE above 45 – I would rather let that vote go to waste..
The Migz replied:
I agree with The Ich. Its just poor planning and even worse, we are sooo anally resistant to positive change and peg it on our "culture". Case in point? Planning is deemed as an expensive, tiring and time-consuming task, together with "I will pour diesel on you and burn you alive" statements like "There is no hurry in Africa".
How can we lack the intelligence (ooooxymoron number 1) to not know that we are going to suffer a severe drought? Surely we are equipped to forecast weather and shit, I am sure we can tell that the sun is gonna be out all day and night (ooooxymoron number 2) and the only water there will be is that salty ick that pores out of our skin in the mad heat.
We need to shift how we culturally think...we need to have foresight and we need to plan. Someone was telling me that Kenyans dont do those jungu things like holidays, sijui trekking across Africa because we have too many financial burdens and dependencies to service with our rather shit-all salaries. Me? I disagree with that. That is a bunch of hairy, Angora goat bollocks. We just dont plan. It stems from the top to the bottom. A building on River Road collapses, we have no Rescue Units and have to wail and cry for Israelis to kuja. And then the Prez says that we will buy the equipment the Israelis used, probably including the moffs. Stupid retard (ooooxymoron number 3). Some planning and we would have been on top of this easily.
The Che, tell your friend he is right and we are a country that is fixated on trivial, selfish interests that we forget to plan and forecast things for the betterment of this country. Tell him that this perspective that you are offering him is not focussed on MPs making 600K, but more on a wholesome, inherent problem that ails our nation like a never-healing boil on a diab. Tell him that, until we are all incapacitated to think, work, breathe and generically function as humans, we dont need aid at all. Tell him that unless we understand what the words "contingency planning" mean, then we deserve to sit in Kenya and wallow in own pile of self-generated excrement and not involve the world in solving our own self-sought problems.
On another note, Kenyans need to stop whining and bitching about MPs earning 600K. It may be excessive for them to award themselves that salo (considering the greedy lazy louts that they are). But before we bay for their blood, let us look at how much we pay our mboches, as an example. If we are still paying them a monthly salo than what we are capable of bondaing in pints over one weekend (just as a random metric), then we need to shutthefuckup! Gaaadamit!
The Mgema semad:
First, we get the leaders we deserve (write that!).
Second, The Migz is right-your tread on others and complain when you are troden on (rattlesnakes n all..)! It's either you treat others well (and expect mother nature to keep tabs and resiprocate), or realise its Man EAT Man-Survial for the fittest (A drink for Darwin Gaddammit-the didn't shave his pubics for looong just figurin simple stuff!I digress),and get yur own!!!
On the aspect of planning, I concur 50-50...we have policy papers that would make Nairobi a seaside town, complete with white sandy beaches and Jamaicans-Yeah Man!! It's the execution that's lacking-more so political good will...example-top of my head:
-Commission of inquiry to JM's murder, 1975! Never seen the light of day.
-Nairobi's Northern/Southern By passes-policy frameworks of 1976...just a few houses brought down
THIRTY years later!
-Nairobi's drainage-1946(!!!) infrastracture-they were planning for 350-400 k pple max!
-Rural elecrification..
-Water for all by 2000.....you get my point..
EXECUTION!!
(unfortunately, we perfected the wrong one [execution ie]-ask General Baimungi, Pinto, Mboya, JM, Mcenzie, Karumba, Ouko, Mbai, Tupac)
VIJANAA TUGUTUKE-that's the rallying cry!
Little did the chap know that this discussion would get such fiery, opinionated responses.
Read on. While at it, please leave your 2 cents in the comment bag.
-----------------------------------------------
The Che sez:
Some of you may have had this discussion or read it, anyway here goes it happened to me this weekend.
I was having a discussion with someone in regards to pple contributing to the famine relief & this particular guy was saying he's not sympathetic to the appeals coz Kenya is a rich country. Curious The Che, asked why?
Sez The Guy "Nairobi is full of magnificent buildings, flashy cars & once he went for a holiday he didn't see any poor pple. After all that he spend a weekend in a luxurious hotel in Msa."
Curious, and frankly a little miffed, The Che responded, "Famine stricken pple in the country earn less than 1000 bob a month - if they earn anything at all - plus the harsh weather conditions."
His reply - Kenyan Mp's earn abt 600 k a month & were now getting hefty increaments in their travel expenses, so a govt which could afford that kind of money obviously needed nothing from him.
What could I say? (and he throws the debate on the floor of the Committee)
And on cue, clearly people's chests were full of burdens, and vitriol was poured...
The Ich responded:
In east and central Africa, Kenya is the only country building itself on its own tax collections. As in Kenya does not necessarily require aid... for roads (and other infrastructure) and FOR RELIEF.
Whoever you talked to was right. We have poor planning... zero foresight, we fix drainage problems in the rainy season and we fix drought problems when people are dying. We do not need aid. The Mps earn what they earn, the buildings are flashy, etc etc. KRA reports increased collections every year.
Poor planning tu!
The Rungz ongezad:
Its goes further than that...
The problem with Kenyans is that we are cowards, and claim to be ‘patient’....Politicians do all these stuff because they know that they can get away with it. To add to this, we vote like buffoons and will bring back the same idiots who have screwed us – the Kenyan electorate has the memory of a warthog.
As for chumes, we don’t need loans – I would be happy if IMF and the world bank could freeze aid for good. Countries like Korea grew through ‘Chama’ - an amount was deducted from the tax they paid and went to a country 'kitty' - simply put. Look at Korea now.
And another thing? The Mzee’s in this country have finished us. Yaani wamekula kupitia kipimo!
I will be very honest – come next elections, am not voting ANYONE above 45 – I would rather let that vote go to waste..
The Migz replied:
I agree with The Ich. Its just poor planning and even worse, we are sooo anally resistant to positive change and peg it on our "culture". Case in point? Planning is deemed as an expensive, tiring and time-consuming task, together with "I will pour diesel on you and burn you alive" statements like "There is no hurry in Africa".
How can we lack the intelligence (ooooxymoron number 1) to not know that we are going to suffer a severe drought? Surely we are equipped to forecast weather and shit, I am sure we can tell that the sun is gonna be out all day and night (ooooxymoron number 2) and the only water there will be is that salty ick that pores out of our skin in the mad heat.
We need to shift how we culturally think...we need to have foresight and we need to plan. Someone was telling me that Kenyans dont do those jungu things like holidays, sijui trekking across Africa because we have too many financial burdens and dependencies to service with our rather shit-all salaries. Me? I disagree with that. That is a bunch of hairy, Angora goat bollocks. We just dont plan. It stems from the top to the bottom. A building on River Road collapses, we have no Rescue Units and have to wail and cry for Israelis to kuja. And then the Prez says that we will buy the equipment the Israelis used, probably including the moffs. Stupid retard (ooooxymoron number 3). Some planning and we would have been on top of this easily.
The Che, tell your friend he is right and we are a country that is fixated on trivial, selfish interests that we forget to plan and forecast things for the betterment of this country. Tell him that this perspective that you are offering him is not focussed on MPs making 600K, but more on a wholesome, inherent problem that ails our nation like a never-healing boil on a diab. Tell him that, until we are all incapacitated to think, work, breathe and generically function as humans, we dont need aid at all. Tell him that unless we understand what the words "contingency planning" mean, then we deserve to sit in Kenya and wallow in own pile of self-generated excrement and not involve the world in solving our own self-sought problems.
On another note, Kenyans need to stop whining and bitching about MPs earning 600K. It may be excessive for them to award themselves that salo (considering the greedy lazy louts that they are). But before we bay for their blood, let us look at how much we pay our mboches, as an example. If we are still paying them a monthly salo than what we are capable of bondaing in pints over one weekend (just as a random metric), then we need to shutthefuckup! Gaaadamit!
The Mgema semad:
First, we get the leaders we deserve (write that!).
Second, The Migz is right-your tread on others and complain when you are troden on (rattlesnakes n all..)! It's either you treat others well (and expect mother nature to keep tabs and resiprocate), or realise its Man EAT Man-Survial for the fittest (A drink for Darwin Gaddammit-the didn't shave his pubics for looong just figurin simple stuff!I digress),and get yur own!!!
On the aspect of planning, I concur 50-50...we have policy papers that would make Nairobi a seaside town, complete with white sandy beaches and Jamaicans-Yeah Man!! It's the execution that's lacking-more so political good will...example-top of my head:
-Commission of inquiry to JM's murder, 1975! Never seen the light of day.
-Nairobi's Northern/Southern By passes-policy frameworks of 1976...just a few houses brought down
THIRTY years later!
-Nairobi's drainage-1946(!!!) infrastracture-they were planning for 350-400 k pple max!
-Rural elecrification..
-Water for all by 2000.....you get my point..
EXECUTION!!
(unfortunately, we perfected the wrong one [execution ie]-ask General Baimungi, Pinto, Mboya, JM, Mcenzie, Karumba, Ouko, Mbai, Tupac)
VIJANAA TUGUTUKE-that's the rallying cry!
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